Tactless comments (and more thoughtful alternatives) about infertility

If you are going through a fertility journey, whatever it may be, we are sure you have encountered comments that are unhelpful and overwhelming. We know they often come from a good place, but the reality is that there are better ways to offer support than the tactless remarks about infertility you have to endure at family dinners. 

Just relax! 

We have all had that friend who suggests a vacation. Friend: "Go away, get a massage, go on a retreat, put on an avocado face mask, and just relax! Stress definitely isn't helping you in this process, and once you manage to disconnect from it all, you'll be able to get pregnant." Besides being easier said than done, simply relaxing is not the solution to infertility. We aren't saying it; science is. 

And if we are that friend trying to help, a better option is to treat our friend to the massage we suggested or take them out for a nice meal. Not because that will make them get pregnant, but to pamper them. That is what friendship support is all about. 

So, when is the baby coming? 

We go from questions about the ring to questions about the wedding to questions about the kids. It seems aunts and grandmothers just can't help themselves! When is the baby coming? This question is problematic for two reasons: 1. Perhaps the person or couple isn't looking to have a baby. 2. If you want one and don't have one, you are likely facing something difficult. 

And if we are that aunt, grandparent, cousin, or mom, it is better to give the gift of discretion instead of asking couples about their family planning. It’s worth its weight in gold! And if they do have children, then it will be time to spoil them rotten. And we should bite our tongues before asking when the next one is coming. 

Don't worry, it will happen eventually 

This is the comment everyone makes. Are you trying to get pregnant? Don't worry, it will happen eventually. Just be patient. But no! It’s not like the burger you ordered at a restaurant (which will definitely arrive, whether you worry or not). Children, fertility, and family planning are a very complex mechanism. It’s a known fact! 

Try not to take people's tactless or awkward comments personally; the reality is that there is still a long way to go culturally. Many people lack the tools to handle a conversation about infertility. Be patient, as not everyone knows what you know. It is okay to correct them, it is okay to shut them down, and it is okay to share a bit of your wisdom. And let yourself be pampered. It is all okay!